Forgiveness

I read a REALLY profound article about forgiveness yesterday that made me think about all of the people in my life that have "done wrong" to me and all of the people I have "done wrong" to. I think sometimes we don't realize how much of what we knowingly (or unknowingly) do, can hurt people, and it's actually very healing for ourselves (and others) to forgive.
After I read the article, my mind kept going back to Anna Faris singing the "Forgiveness" song from "Just Friends" and I couldn't help but burst out laughing!!!! And I've had it stuck in my head all day today....so I decided that I needed to post both of them. A funny side to forgiveness and a more genuine, serious one;-)

Forgiveness
by William Frank Diedrich

I listened to a radio interview the other day on BBC Radio. A woman told how she had forgiven her daughter's killer. I can think of no worse thing to happen in the world than for someone to take away your child. How could she forgive that? What does it mean to actually forgive? As I listened to her I learned that she had to forgive. She had to move on.

As humans we tend to confuse forgiving with pardoning. To pardon is to let someone off the hook. Pardoning says: "You hurt me or you did bad things, but I'm going to let you off for that." Sub consciously we are saying: "I am better than you, a higher quality human being than you. I'm going to give you a break, even though you don't necessarily deserve it." This is a subtle form of attack justified by our self righteous indignation toward the person in question. If we are still attacking, and thinking someone is bad or thinking that we are better, it is not forgiving.

Forgiveness is to let go completely. It is to live as if the bad stuff never happened. It is to be free of it. Therefore, forgiveness is not something we do for another person. It is something we do for ourselves. Forgiveness is a decision to move on and to be free. Once we make the decision, our emotions may not be ready to follow. That's okay. Make the decision and keep moving toward your goal of freedom.

For example, if you were hurt by others in your childhood, you can hang on to that hurt. We hang onto the hurt because we want those people to be punished. We want them to suffer for what they did. The problem is, we are the ones who are suffering, and we are punishing ourselves. The decision is ours to make: Will you live as an eternal victim still waiting for those people to pay, still waiting for them to make it up to you---or will you choose to be a free and responsible adult? Will you choose to be someone who sets his/her own course? What do you want?

As long as we hold on to hurt and anger, we cripple ourselves. We prevent ourselves from expressing what greatness may be within us. The path of unforgiveness is cluttered with unattainable goals. To wish the past to be different is unattainable. To wish someone else to be different is unattainable. The only way to change the past is to change the way you perceive it. Unforgiveness creates stress, pain, victimization, and feelings of powerlessness. These emotions wear down our physical systems making us more susceptible to disease and injury. The question is: "Would you rather have pain/stress/powerlessness, or would rather be free? It's a simple question. Let's say you choose freedom. How do you get there?

Forgiveness is often a process. We allow ourselves to be angry or to feel hurt for a period of time. We let it run its course. At some point we make the decision. We choose freedom. When we choose freedom we begin to choose different thoughts. When we find ourselves caught up in pain, we think about other things. Tell yourself, "I'm done with this and I am moving on." Stand up and walk away. Consciously choose other thoughts. Consciously involve yourself in different actions and refocus your mind. This is discipline. All new goals require discipline. Forgiveness needs to be practiced.

This is where your spiritual path, whatever it may be, will help you. you can offer up your unforgiving thoughts to a Higher Power and ask for new perceptions--to see things differently. Do this a thousand times if necessary. By doing this you transcend ego thoughts and begin to think with your higher mind. If your intention is true, you will forgive. You will move on and be the free person you desire to be.

Forgiveness is not a "should". Forgiveness is a "want". There are times when I am angry when I don't want to forgive. I want to be right. I want the payoff I get from being the person who has been wronged. Usually I wake up in the middle of this emotion and realize that I'm not getting what I really want. I really want peace. I really want to live joyfully and powerfully. I want to live as an adult taking full responsibility for my thoughts and emotions. I don't want to be a victim. My emotions may still be in anger, but I decide to forgive, to move on. My intention is true and my focus becomes relentless.

Anger and hurt are emotions that pass quickly if you do not feed them. Usually, when I get angry, it flashes through my body for about ninety seconds. When I decide to forgive, I stop feeding the emotion with my thoughts. I can't help it that I feel angry or hurt instantaneously. I can help it whether or not I prolong it. I let the emotion move through me and I let it go. Next, I decide what I will do.

Persistent unforgiveness is the result of feeding the hurt and anger with thoughts--constantly replaying the story. If you do this, you may want to ask yourself: "Wasn't it painful enough when it happened? Is there a good reason to hold on to this story and the pain that it causes?" When you tell yourself your stories of sadness or of pain, who do you become?

The story of your life is being written right now. The past is only as relevant as you choose to make it. The thoughts you nurture today become the basis of your experience tomorrow. You can choose to nurture your hurts, or you can choose forgiveness. You can wallow in victimhood, or you can envision and work toward a joyous and productive life.

To choose forgiveness you must live consciously. To live consciously is to practice awareness of your thoughts and emotions, and to intentionally direct them. This requires mental discipline. It requires that you notice when your thoughts are painful and that you consciously decide what to do with them.

Joy and freedom are available to you. These positive states are only a thought away. The decision to forgive often must be made hundreds of times per day. Each time you forgive you experience a victory. Each time you forgive you reshape your story. The woman I heard on BBC lost her daughter and her own life as she knew it. She decided to start again and to create a new life. She decided to be grateful for the years she had with her daughter and for the love they shared. She let go of thinking about the years she had lost. Those years were nonexistent and unattainable. There is no limitation in this life to the number of times you can start again. As long as you can think, you can forgive--you can begin again--you can envision what you want and take steps toward achieving it.

"Keep your nose to the joy trail." Buffy St.Marie

William Frank Diedrich is a speaker, executive coach, and the author of three books.